Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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