Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
