i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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