I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
