Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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