Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
