Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I seem to have left my pride at pride
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
