I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
