just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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