Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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