I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
