I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
