I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
