:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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