Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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