Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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