Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I died a long time ago.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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