I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
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