woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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