Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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