why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Houston, we have a blender
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
