i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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