So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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