That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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