I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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