everyone is single if you try hard enough
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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