My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
