I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She made me pour olive oil on her.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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