3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
