my sisters under your porch take her home
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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