Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
