Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
