there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
