once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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