Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
