My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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