so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
