I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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