I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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