how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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