Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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