turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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