I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
