you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
