I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
