his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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