that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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