I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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