So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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