my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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